Sex Sling

There is no reason to be sexually bored in a monogamous relationship. No reason, that is, except for a few million years of polygamous human evolution. And a brain constructed without any consideration for monogamy. And a natural human preference for sexual novelty and variety. And some subtle “permission” from society to fool around. And all the attendant pressures of just being in the same house with the same person every day.

Come to think of it, we should rephrase the question. Is there any reason not to be sexually bored in a monogamous relationship?

Yes, and it’s worth it. The monotony monster is eminently slayable. The secret is the oldest battle strategy known to man: Know thy enemy, and you can whip it. In this case, your opponent is called biology.

The basic problem is simple. “You’re fighting a genuine restlessness born from millennia of having sexual variety being part of basic human reproductive strategy”. “I don’t think the human animal was built to be with one person for the rest of his life,” “So the sexual boredom that can set in with monogamy is real.”

It’s not that we’re evil or sinful or unable to make commitments. “It’s just that we’re struggling with our biology.”

Sex researchers agree that there’s something about us that equates novelty with excitement. At the same time, the very definition of monogamy makes novelty impossible. Houston, we have a problem.

Nurturing Novelty

“If novelty weren’t sexually exciting, how would Hugh Hefner have created his empire?” Good point. One centerfold serves its purpose as well as any other, but it was the appearance of a new one every month that built the Playboy mansion.

And, let’s face it, in the novelty competition, monogamy struggles to keep up. “Marital sex won’t be as ‘exciting’ as an affair”. “A long-term relationship doesn‘t have the novelty, the risk, the danger, and the forbidden aspects of an affair. That’s just reality.”

But it’s also reality that we don’t live in nature. We may be animals, but we’re not animals. We want monogamy; we just don’t want it to be dull. Our evolutionary heritage is a challenge, not a sentence. If shortcomings in the novelty department are the problem with monogamy, there are ways to fight it. A good start: Take the monotony out of monogamy by putting novelty in, starting with these suggestions.

Bust the rut. Same time, same place, same way, every time. You’re on the fast trackto booorrrring. Routine guarantees monotony.

But couples fall into routines as easily as they fell in love. And then they wonder why they’re bored. “You have to do something to make it different and exciting” “Even the most incredible lover imaginable has to be more than a one-trick pony.”

So instead of poking this and rubbing that every Wednesday night during Letterman, try poking and rubbing on aTuesday night during Leno. Throw in a lick here or a nuzzle there while you’re at it. Hey, it’s a start.

Put sex in prime time. Rut happens. And time management is often the culprit. You have your work, she has hers; you both have the kids. Sex gets relegated to the back burner or gets taken off the stove entirely. That’s boring. “It’s a ghastly cliche,” “but you have to set aside quality time for your sex life together.”

And to qualify as “quality,” this time has to be at least as prime (though maybe not as long) as what you give to your work, and, yes, to your kids. After midnight on exhausting days doesn‘t cut it. “How can you enjoy sex when you’re in no condition to enjoy anything?” “You can’t operate on burnout and expect sex to function.”

Make it a project. Pay as much attention to your sexual relationship as you do to your work (or sports, or your car), and you’ll fend offboredom. That means doing the research (books, tapes, videos), exploring the possibilities, identifying your needs, testing alternatives, practicing the technical tricks. In other words, everything you do when you buy a computer or join a fantasy baseball league.

“There are all kinds of ways to combat boredom, but you have to make the effort”. “Too many men get caught like a mouse on a treadmill. They complain about how boring it is—but they never get off the wheel.”

Don’t work at your relationship. Yes, you read that right. True, you do have to make the effort to keep the zing in your sex life. But if you think of it as work, you’re losing the battle. In fact, that’s a big reason why some couples throw in the towel. “When couples stop having sex, it’s almost always the man’s call”. “He figures if it’s going to be more of a hassle than a pleasure, then it’s not worth it.” So don’t hassle.

Enjoy the process. Think of Operation Anti-monotony as an exploration, an adventure. “Sustaining the sexual chemistry isn’t work,” “It wasn’t work when you were doing all those things to orchestrate special evenings with your conquest of the week. Keep that sense of pleasure.”

Assume she‘ll cooperate. Don’t short-circuit your anti-monotony efforts out of fear that she may not be in the spirit of things. Remember, she doesn‘t like ennui any more than you. And if you’re bored, odds are she is, too. “People don’t get bored by themselves; relationships get boring。” “If you come up with a good idea, she‘ll probably go for it.”

Hang in there. As you make that broken-field run toward sexual pay dirt within your relationship, you’re going to have to dodge some temptations to give up. “You have all kinds of things set up for you to escape”. “You have access to pornography, prostitutes, cybersex, affairs.” The point, isn’t that these things are evil, but rather that our culture, by winking at transgressions by men, makes it easy to lose track of the larger goal.

Injecting novelty into your sex play is a useful ongoing pick-me-up, a proven boredom-killer. But you need to make a more fundamental change in your approach to sex if you want to weed out monotony at its roots.

How? Dr. McCarthy calls the answer interactive sex. It comes down to intimacy, to exploiting the arousal inherent in you, in her, and in the interaction between you. “If you buy only the notion that what makes sex hot is a new stimulant from the outside, you wind up devaluing ongoing sex and de-eroticizing your partner” “It’s as if you don’t own your own sexuality, that it’s something external to you.” So take responsibility for your own arousal instead of wondering why it doesn‘t “happen.” Stop chasing lightning and build a fire instead.

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