Come to think of it, we should rephrase the question. Is there any reason not to be sexually bored in a monogamous relationship?

Yes, and it’s worth it. The monotony monster is eminently slayable. The secret is the oldest battle strategy known to man: Know thy enemy, and you can whip it. In this case, your opponent is called biology.

The basic problem is simple. “You’re fighting a genuine restlessness born from millennia of having sexual variety being part of basic human reproductive strategy”. “I don’t think the human animal was built to be with one person for the rest of his life,” “So the sexual boredom that can set in with monogamy is real.”

It’s not that we’re evil or sinful or unable to make commitments. “It’s just that we’re struggling with our biology.”

Sex researchers agree that there’s something about us that equates novelty with excitement. At the same time, the very definition of monogamy makes novelty impossible. Houston, we have a problem.

Nurturing Novelty

“If novelty weren’t sexually exciting, how would Hugh Hefner have created his empire?” Good point. One centerfold serves its purpose as well as any other, but it was the appearance of a new one every month that built the Playboy mansion.

And, let’s face it, in the novelty competition, monogamy struggles to keep up. “Marital sex won’t be as ‘exciting’ as an affair”. “A long-term relationship doesn‘t have the novelty, the risk, the danger, and the forbidden aspects of an affair. That’s just reality.”

But it’s also reality that we don’t live in nature. We may be animals, but we’re not animals. We want monogamy; we just don’t want it to be dull. Our evolutionary heritage is a challenge, not a sentence. If shortcomings in the novelty department are the problem with monogamy, there are ways to fight it. A good start: Take the monotony out of monogamy by putting novelty in, starting with these suggestions.

Bust the rut. Same time, same place, same way, every time. You’re on the fast trackto booorrrring. Routine guarantees monotony.

But couples fall into routines as easily as they fell in love. And then they wonder why they’re bored. “You have to do something to make it different and exciting” “Even the most incredible lover imaginable has to be more than a one-trick pony.”

So instead of poking this and rubbing that every Wednesday night during Letterman, try poking and rubbing on aTuesday night during Leno. Throw in a lick here or a nuzzle there while you’re at it. Hey, it’s a start.

Put sex in prime time. Rut happens. And time management is often the culprit. You have your work, she has hers; you both have the kids. Sex gets relegated to the back burner or gets taken off the stove entirely. That’s boring. “It’s a ghastly cliche,” “but you have to set aside quality time for your sex life together.”

And to qualify as “quality,” this time has to be at least as prime (though maybe not as long) as what you give to your work, and, yes, to your kids. After midnight on exhausting days doesn‘t cut it. “How can you enjoy sex when you’re in no condition to enjoy anything?” “You can’t operate on burnout and expect sex to function.”

Make it a project. Pay as much attention to your sexual relationship as you do to your work (or sports, or your car), and you’ll fend offboredom. That means doing the research (books, tapes, videos), exploring the possibilities, identifying your needs, testing alternatives, practicing the technical tricks. In other words, everything you do when you buy a computer or join a fantasy baseball league.

“There are all kinds of ways to combat boredom, but you have to make the effort”. “Too many men get caught like a mouse on a treadmill. They complain about how boring it is—but they never get off the wheel.”

Don’t work at your relationship. Yes, you read that right. True, you do have to make the effort to keep the zing in your sex life. But if you think of it as work, you’re losing the battle. In fact, that’s a big reason why some couples throw in the towel. “When couples stop having sex, it’s almost always the man’s call”. “He figures if it’s going to be more of a hassle than a pleasure, then it’s not worth it.” So don’t hassle.

Enjoy the process. Think of Operation Anti-monotony as an exploration, an adventure. “Sustaining the sexual chemistry isn’t work,” “It wasn’t work when you were doing all those things to orchestrate special evenings with your conquest of the week. Keep that sense of pleasure.”

Assume she‘ll cooperate. Don’t short-circuit your anti-monotony efforts out of fear that she may not be in the spirit of things. Remember, she doesn‘t like ennui any more than you. And if you’re bored, odds are she is, too. “People don’t get bored by themselves; relationships get boring。” “If you come up with a good idea, she‘ll probably go for it.”

Hang in there. As you make that broken-field run toward sexual pay dirt within your relationship, you’re going to have to dodge some temptations to give up. “You have all kinds of things set up for you to escape”. “You have access to pornography, prostitutes, cybersex, affairs.” The point, isn’t that these things are evil, but rather that our culture, by winking at transgressions by men, makes it easy to lose track of the larger goal.

Injecting novelty into your sex play is a useful ongoing pick-me-up, a proven boredom-killer. But you need to make a more fundamental change in your approach to sex if you want to weed out monotony at its roots.

How? Dr. McCarthy calls the answer interactive sex. It comes down to intimacy, to exploiting the arousal inherent in you, in her, and in the interaction between you. “If you buy only the notion that what makes sex hot is a new stimulant from the outside, you wind up devaluing ongoing sex and de-eroticizing your partner” “It’s as if you don’t own your own sexuality, that it’s something external to you.” So take responsibility for your own arousal instead of wondering why it doesn‘t “happen.” Stop chasing lightning and build a fire instead.

And it’s a macho thing. “Men are supposed to know it all, and their bodies are supposed to always work”. “Inhibitions have to do with these unrealistic expectations.”

That gets back to the position problem. Move out of the missionary, and you usually have to work with her to get things physically organized. This is a good thing, but your macho, expectations may not see it that way. You don’t want to lose control of the situation. “Penises tend to slip out of vaginas in many positions”. “Men tend to get anxious about that, so they just stay away from them.”

But that’s not a very good strategy for long-term sexual fulfillment in a relationship. Besides, anxiety comes with sex. “Anxiety is motivating. We don’t do anything in life without it.” And that includes (please don’t hit us for saying it) varying your sexual routine. What follows are strategies to help you identify and conquer whatever inhibitions might be lying around’ your mind.

Manage your anxiety.

The trick is to learn to tolerate a certain amount of anxiety. “Avoiding anxiety is not the point”. “Learning to live with it is.” In other words, somewhere between paralyzing fear and total apathy is a level of anxiety that you can work with. Find that level. “And then manage it well enough so that you can confront what really turns you on.”

Accept yourself.

Recognize that what turns you on is simply a source of sexual pleasure for you, not some kind of cosmic comment on your worth as a human being. You don’t need to feel embarrassed or personally rejected if she doesn’t happen to share that particular turn-on. “Rather than depending on validation from your mate for what you think, give that validation to yourself.”

Example: You’d just love it if at certain impassioned points of the process, the love chatter between the two of you turned X-rated. But you’d never bring it up because you’re afraid she might think you’re a foul-mouthed fool. Hence, nothing ever happens. “That’s the kind of inhibition that keeps you from being real about sex“. “You have to be able to say, ‘Hey, it may not be politically correct, hut it really floats my boat.’

Let go of something.

One way to loosen the logjam is to find within you just one long-held sexual secret that you can somehow tell her about. “That doesn’t mean sharing all your secrets”. “Just let go of something that has been keeping you from being closer to her.”

A favorite one for women is “I always think that if you really knew me, you wouldn’t love me.” If she can get that out, you’re more likely to say “Of course I would, honey,” than “You’re probably right.” So if you can manage to blurt out, say, “I’m worried I’ll keep slipping out of you if we try it spoon-style,” you’ll probably discover that she won’t immediately file for divorce. She might even say, “So what? It feels good when we get it back in.”

Jettison excess baggage.

You don’t have to keep carrying society’s sex-is-dirty messages around with you. Liberate yourself from inhibiting notions about sex that were forced upon you when you didn’t know any better. “Do some self-examination”. “Get conscious about what those messages are, and get rid of the ones that aren’t serving you.”

And in addition to their educational value, or perhaps because of it, a growing proportion of triple-X viewers are couples. Adult sex movie are no longer just a guy thing. They’re the media age horizon-broadeners for couples.

As a result of all this, sex movies, even some good ones, are easily available, sanctioned by most sex therapists, and not very expensive to rent. But it’s not like you’re running down to the 7-Eleven for nachos and sour cream. Porn videos are still controversial. And they can be controversial in your home. “There are a lot of women who’ll throw you out of the house if you bring one home,” So proceed on your stay-at-home movie date with caution.

Make sure she wants it. Cueing up Monty Python and the Holy Grail after you told her you were bringing home a “British historical epic” might work as a funny shtick. But promising her a “romantic classic” and surprising her with Debbie Does Dallas can backfire something terrible (even though you were technically telling the truth). “You have to communicate with her on this,” “Every woman is unique, with different appetites and desires.”

Make sure you want it. It doesn’t matter how seasoned a porn veteran you may be. Seeing it with the one you love (and live with) is a whole different ball of wax.

“There are times where embarrassment takes over and the guy can’t do anything,” So it’s not just for her sake that you need to talk about the whole experience beforehand.

Find one she’ll go for. Most X-rated videos—in fact, until recently, all X-rated movies—cater to men’s tastes, and not necessarily our most civilized ones. But some are produced with women or couples in mind. A few are even made by and for women (although with the whimsical pseudonyms prevalent in the business, it’s hard to tell who’s what). At any rate, it’s your challenge to find the appropriate genre, even if it means asking the guy behind the counter. “You need to be discerning,” “Don’t assume that what you find stimulating will be equally stimulating to her.”

Get educational. It’s pretty hard to find a plot in a sex movie anyway, so why not try the how-to kind? “There are some great sexed videos available that are introduced by sex therapists,” “They’re terrific teaching tools.” And they teach what you want to learn—positions, techniques, and so on—not just biology. Oh, and don’t let the “educational” tag fool you. This is stimulating stuff.

But even though the brain is not a battery-operated gadget, it still may need some recharging now and then. For many people, particularly after many years of sex with the same person, the old excitement is just not there in the same degree and needs a little assistance. We want to teach you how to use your mind to stimulate the sexual urges before there is any physical contact. In other words, you should learn how to put yourself in a sexually receptive mood at will, to make yourself a more erotically oriented person by only using your mind. What do we mean by this?

There is an old joke that we often hear and retell in one form or another. It goes like this: A young woman during the Czarist period in Russia tells her mother that she is frightened at the thought of her wedding night just a few days away. She doesn’t know what to do or what to say to her new husband when they get married. She doesn’t know what to do sexually or even how to feel. Her mother tries to reassure her and says, ‘Don’t worry my daughter. Everything will be fine. When your husband comes to you and it is time for him to climb into bed with you, just lie back and think of Mother Russia and the Czarina!’

This may not be very funny for some of you, but think of the significance of this old story. If something is unpleasant, we are to use our minds to tune out the experience by concentrating on something that is totally unrelated. This suggests, too, that the opposite is also true. You can use your mind to get more deeply involved in a sexual experience, if you so choose. It is up to you which way to go!

You must learn, through practice and more practice, to use your brain to reverse any negative thinking about sex that you may have been brought up with. This is a skill, like any other skill, and it can be learned. It will then become available to you when you want to create your own erotic mental setting around the physical act that takes place. These exercises will help you take charge and be in control over your own newly heightened sensual and sexual sensitivities and skills.

Your mind can become like a DVD recorder where you have stored a series of thoughts, fantasies, images, settings, and so forth, which you will play on the screen of your consciousness when you want to. For example, let’s say that you saw a movie a few days ago and there was a scene that was especially erotic and arousing to you. You should record or store that scene in your brain and play it back frequently during the next few weeks. It may be used to help you get aroused, or even to help you desire sex when you don’t feel especially interested.

If you play back this scene a few times in your mind when you are resting by yourself or taking a break from work, you will be less likely to forget it. You then have an effective “cassette” or memory to pull out when you would like to have sex but do not have as strong an urge as you would like. Playing this “cassette” in your mind should trigger an arousal response that might not otherwise spontaneously appear. This technique helps you be more “horny” when you want to feel that way. By carrying around a figurative shelf full of such “cassettes” in your mind, you will very likely become a more “sexy” person to yourself and that is necessary when you want to be sexy for someone else. In other words, you are as sexy as you feel. What we are suggesting here is that you should not wait for someone else to “turn you on.” You should turn yourself on—regularly and frequently—and you may discover that it becomes easier and easier to become spontaneously aroused. Storing these visually erotic images in your mind is one of the arousal “tricks” that are not dependent on physical contact from someone else or your self-pleasuring. Later you may use these “mental” motivators as a prologue to physical sexual stimulation. For now let’s develop the mental skills in a wide variety of ways for future use. After a while, when you get good at this mental stimulation, you may want to combine these erotic images with the physical stimulation. That will be an important step for you: to learn to make an automatic and simultaneous connection between physical and mental arousal.

These are visual cues, that is photos and movies, and also the reading of erotic poetry and novels. We are not necessarily endorsing the use of these, since we know that many people have strong feelings about what they may call pornography. We strongly condemn violent, exploitative, and sexist pornography but there is more romantic, less offensive erotica that can help many people. There is much erotica—movies, photos, art work, and novels—which is sensitive and beautiful, and does not contain those negative aspects of the “cheap” pornography. Most librarians know the difference between classic erotica and low- grade pornography, and can steer you to literature or art books of the former type. Also, many of the larger video stores now stock “couples oriented” erotic movies as opposed to the male- oriented X-rated movies. Some of these adult films recommended for couples are even presented from a feminist perspective with an eye to love and romance rather than repetitious male-oriented sex scenes.

The cedar is a beautiful and majestic coniferous evergreen tree. The essential oil that is distilled from its wood has been revered since ancient times for its relaxing and meditative qualities. The cedar tree is frequently mentioned in the Bible, often in relation to fertility. In many parts of the world it has been known as the ‘tree of life’ or the `tree of gods’, being renowned as a symbol of faith and strength. Varying species of cedar grow throughout the world’s regions, but it is the Cedrus Atlantica that is most often preferred in the use of aromatherapy. It is also commonly used in incense, to perfume the home as well as during religious ceremonies.

Cedarwood’s dry, woody aroma can soothe an anxious mind. Its properties help to alleviate many physical complaints, and work well on the respiratory system. Its soothing qualities are used in skincare to preserve youthful beauty. Cedarwood essential oil can help relieve irritated skin or an itchy scalp and is particularly good for oily skin. Caution: Do not use during pregnancy.

The essence from bergamot is commonly used in perfumes; this is what gives Earl Grey tea its distinctive flavour. It was once much favoured as a perfume for spices and floral decorations, especially at times of celebration such as marriage ceremonies or to welcome a baby’s birth.

Bergamot comes from a small tree that grows mainly in Italy and some parts of Africa. The essence is expressed from the rind of its unusual citrus fruit. It can be used whenever a partner is anxious or depressed, or prone to heated outbursts of temper, as it is able to help alleviate tension and anxiety. Bergamot cools feverish conditions, and has been used in the treatment of urinary tract infections such as cystitis — it can also soothe the digestive and respiratory system, encouraging appetite and a return to health during convalescence.

Caution: Do not apply to skin to be exposed to sunlight or ultra-violet light, it increases the skin’s photosensitivity. It may irritate sensitive skin.

Basil’s essential oil, extracted from the shrub’s leaves and flowering tops, can be used to reawaken a sexual relationship that has waned in intensity or interest, or when someone is anxious or lacks experience. Some say that its name comes from basileus, the Greek for ‘king’ because its wonderful smell is fit for royalty. Basil originates from India where myth has it that the Hindu gods, Krishna and Vishnu, bestowed upon it protective and inspirational properties. It now grows extensively around the world, most notably across southern Europe, North Africa, Java, Seychelles and North America.

Basil’s strengthening, stimulating and restorative properties help to ease mental, emotional and physical fatigue and, when added to a base oil and rubbed into the body, remove weariness from tense, tired muscles. Its restorative properties are said to ease headaches, respiratory infections, sinus problems, asthma and flu. Caution: Avoid use during pregnancy. Apply with care on sensitive skin.

Clary sage has a strong, dry and nutty aroma, which can produce a sense of mild intoxication, capable of adding a touch of wild and gay abandon to a night of lovemaking.

Clary sage encourages creative thought but, because it can also be very soporific, it is best used for times of pleasure and relaxation. Clary sage should not be used before driving or any function requiring focused concentration.

In the past, clary sage’s mildly intoxicating qualities were used in white magic spells to ignite the interest of a desired lover. Certainly, its essence, when mixed with other oils, adds greatly to the sensuality of a body massage when used as a prelude to making love.

Clary sage is grown in many countries and its oil is distilled from its flowering tops and leaves. It is an aid in the treatment of digestive, respiratory and stress-related female reproductive disorders. Caution: Do not use in combination with alcohol or in any large doses as it can cause nausea. Gary sage should not be used in pregnancy, or by women who experience heavy menstrual flow.