Alarms go off in your head—you haven’t kissed someone new in who knows how long. Or maybe you’re not so addled by the thought of mere kissing—contact with his mouth, you can handle, but what about contact with the thing bobbing amiably about two and a half feet directly south? What if all this mashing leads to s-e-x? You’re so used to doing it a certain way—what if that’s not the way they do it anymore? You’ve got body anxiety. You’ve got sexually-transmitted-disease anxiety. You’ve got performance anxiety. Let’s just say you’re anxious.

The first time you have sex with someone new after a long, monogamous relationship, it can be a loaded experience. For Erin, a twenty-seven-year-old lawyer, “Having sex unleashed all this hostility and resentment inside me. The second we finished, I hated him.” And for Jill, twenty-six, “I had gotten a sexually transmitted disease from my old boyfriend, and I didn’t know how to tell the new guy I was dating. It was a nightmare.”

“Sex in and of itself is weird,” says Dr. Sills. “Sex for the first time after a breakup can be even weirder. It often reawakens a vulnerability that you forgot about—and it might take time to feel okay about doing it again.” Just remember, the guys are as nervous as we are—and it’s even worse for them, because their anxiety is palpable. Literally. So take a deep breath, close your eyes, and think of . . . nothing.

“I think all of this stuff about effective communication skills and learning how to validate each other can really hurt an adult sexual relationship,” “In fact, I think individuals should look to themselves, rather than their partner, for validation.”

Encouraging partners to play the role of best friend/cheerleader takes away much of the possibility for having good sex. “Your partner doesn’t have to agree with you or even make you feel better about yourself to create feelings of warmth and intimacy,” “Passion doesn’t come from validation; it comes from being able to stay centered in the face of your partner’s emotions.”

A Passionate Marriage retreat, which can last either four or nine days, uses sex as the vehicle through which to teach the skills of being a grown-up. “Sex is a strong motivator,” “You can learn a tremendous amount about sexual intimacy with your clothes on and your feet on the floor.”

When the two of you have an adult relationship, based on the integrity you each feel within yourselves, your sex life will explode. “Once you’re strong enough to be completely open and honest with your partner, you’ll be able to have eyes-open orgasms”.

Ask her opinion. She needs to feel that she’s a part of your life, and not just your home or sex life either. On a certain level, she expects you not just to include her in what you’re doing but also to solicit and rely on her opinions about the things you’re doing. So solicit, already. Whenever you’re thinking about a career move, whenever you’re planning a vacation, find out what she thinks. It sounds like you’re letting yourself in for unnecessary grief, but really all you’re doing is showing how you value her—and she has a right to expect that.

Study her dad. Just as you will expect your partner to fulfill many of your mother’s roles, so many of her expectations about how a man should behave will come directly from her father. To find out what she expects from you, ask her what she admires about her father, or any other male figures who played a paternal role in her life. In all likelihood, this is a man she respects, admires, and depends on, as much for the tasks he performed as for the way he treated her. If her father did it, and she loves her father, then you want the job.

Call ahead. If you told her you were going to be home by 5:00 P.M. and you’re running late, call and let her know. If you’re on the road for business, call every night. If you’re at work and thinking about her, call her. This is not about being a kept man. This is about letting your woman know you care about her.

Carry a calendar. And write her important dates in it. And Mother’s Day (if you have children). And Valentine’s Day. She’s going to expect to get pampered on such occasions. You can help yourself remember by highlighting the dates on your calendar as soon as you get a new one—or make it a New Year’s Day tradition.

Specifically, you could look it up in the landmark Sex in America survey conducted by the University of Chicago and the National Opinion Research Center. So if you’re concerned that once you make the commitment, you’re doomed to be Al Bundy, take heart from the following survey findings.

Monogamous men are the most satisfied. About 50 percent of married men said that they were extremely physically and emotionally satisfied with their partners. The lowest satisfaction rates were among men neither married nor living with someone.
Monogamous men have more sex. On average, cohabiting men have sex eight times a month, married men seven times, and non-cohabiting men six times.

Monogamous men have steadier sex. Almost half (48 percent) of non-cohabiting men have sex either just a few times per year or not at all. Only 8 percent of cohabiting and 14 percent of married men fall into those categories.

Near-daily sex is not the norm. The over‑whelming majority (more than 75 percent) of monogamous men—be they married or cohabiting—have sex between a few times a month and two or three times a week. Single guys average much less.

You know the phrase “the gentle art of conversation“? It was not devised by a man.

Men tend to perceive conversation with a mate as a form of competition or challenge— like playing office politics or jockeying for position in the passing lane. When we’re asked a question, we don’t just answer—we want to give the right answer (or the right excuse). If talking turns into a debate or argument, naturally we want to win it. If the conversation revolves around our partner’s problems, 9 times out of 10, we’ll move into advice-giving mode, trying to come up with solutions to the puzzle laid out before us.

Our adversarial attitude toward conversation is not just mental; it’s physical, too. Conversation can be as stressful as any physical challenge men face in life. It actually quickens our heart rates and causes our temperatures to rise. Left unchecked, our impulse to wrestle with conversation can also cause tempers to rise and very quickly lead a conversation into the not-so-gentle realm of a full-blown argument. But it doesn’t have to be this way.

Guy Talk

It’s the basic nature of men to equate the rigors of conversation with more physical challenges. We don’t talk about stuff; we do stuff. We’re hands- on, proactive. “Men get their identities from their achievements, not their relationships”. Thus, we have a hard time simply having a talk, empathizing with a partner, commiserating with her. We need the talk to have a point or a goal, or to address a concrete issue that can be solved with advice and specific actions.

This is just the opposite of what women want. Usually, all they want is to feel that you’ve heard them, regardless of whether your conversation comes to a specific resolution.

That’s not the only way we differ in conversational style. Just for your own edification, here are some other examples that reveal our competitive leanings when it comes to conversation.

Men issue commands; women make requests. For example, a man will say, “Close the door,” while a woman will ask, “Will you please close the door?” This gives men power and makes women seem subservient.

Believe it or not, men talk more than women. While women initiate conversations, men interrupt a lot more and thus gain control of the discussion.

In conversation, men like to give information, not get it. This, by the way, is why we don’t like to ask for directions.

Speaking Her Language

Unless you want every conversation to descend into a fight or heated debate, temper your world-conquering approach to conversation. Not only will doing this ease stress in mind and body but it can also make you closer to your partner. To become a conversational man, steal a few pages from your partner’s rule book. Follow these precepts and you should find yourself well on the way to becoming a guy who speaks her language. Here’s how.

Listen up. The most obvious advice is the hardest to follow, isn’t it? But it’s a fact that women usually just want you to listen more than they want your advice. How can you tell when she really wants your advice? She‘ll ask for it. Wait to hear if she says, “What do you think?” Until then, keep your mouth shut and your ears open.

Open up. “It takes real bravery to make yourself vulnerable”. “Men should look at attempts to be intimate as maverick acts of courage.” So don’t be afraid to make revealing statements about yourself. To a woman, that’s what conversation is all about.

Calm down. Men get very agitated in the face of disagreement. That agitation often propels us to higher levels of anxiety—which explains the rising heart rate and body temperature. So if you feel yourself getting hot under the collar, take five. Explain to your partner that you’re having trouble relaxing and that you need a few minutes to calm down so that you can communicate more effectively.

Don’t get angry if you’re sad. In conversation, as in life, men have been trained to think the best defense is a good offense. So when we’re feeling hurt or sad, rather than express those feelings in a conversation, we’ll often repress them and show anger instead. You don’t necessarily have to show your hurt feelings if you don’t want to, but if you’re going to mask those feelings, mask them in a neutral way instead of covering them up with an angry outburst.

Practice patience. We guys are often impatient with women’s conversational style.

“When will she get to the point?” we wonder, as our conversational radar scans for opportunities to offer advice, give information, or share one of our own experiences.

Instead, try this experiment”Turn off your male conversational radar, take slow, full breaths to relax, and just let yourself be with your woman in conversation. Draw her out. Listen to what she’s trying to say. Let her know you understand by paraphrasing what she says. Add whatever seems relevant, but keep the focus on her.”

Take oral sex, for example.

Yeah, we know, you’d be glad to. But will she provide it just as gladly? The Sex survey in America found that while a not-so-surprising 83 percent of men consider it appealing to receive oral sex, only 57 percent of women consider giving it appealing. What’s more, almost a third of women (32 percent) don’t even like receiving oral sex. There’s a discrepancy here.

You don’t need statistics to tell you if she’s uptight about pursuing new paths to pleasure. But why? Take all the social messages you got about the evil of sexuality and multiply it many-fold for her.

“It goes back to the virgin thing,” “Girls are told not to let anybody touch them. They’re taught early not to respond sexually.”

That sort of programming can lead to body hang-ups. Next thing you know, years have gone by and she still won’t consider making love with the lights on. “Women have the same kind of head noises about measuring up as men do,” “But with them, it’s more like ‘I’m too fat’ or ‘I’m too thin.’” And, just like you, women can be wary of what enjoying certain sex acts might say about who they are. “Some women might shy away from oral sex because of what it might uncover,” “It’s not just that they might like it, but that they might even like it if you demand it in a demeaning way.” Here are some suggestions for helping her confront and overcome her inhibitions.

Enlist in the battle. “Any woman can be helped,” “You have to take charge and struggle to help her, if she wants you to.” That means encouraging her to reveal her desires. How? Try asking. “You have to ask her what feels good, what she wants you to do.”

Take it easy. Ask, but don’t push too hard. “Have patience,” “Don’t overwhelm her with your desires and needs. Take your time.” Remember, you have a lifetime (hers) of negative momentum to overcome. Go slowly. Start out a bit naughty and playful. Talk dirty. Get comfortable with your new sexual territory and lingo and keep experimenting.

Strike while the iron’s hot. Ask her over coffee what she‘d like you to do sexually, and she needs to answer in full, blushing sentences. Ask her if she likes what you’re doing while you’re doing it, and she can respond negatively or positively with a mere moan. “Do you like this?” is a lot more effective when the “this” is a real feeling instead of an abstract idea. “One of the best times to find out what your partner likes is during sex,” “When you’re in the throes, you can make personal requests of each other that at other times might horrify one of you.”

Wash away the worries. One reason some women are shy about oralsex, isbecause they think their sex organs aredirty. Or smelly. “There’s a simple solution for that,” she says. “Take a shower together. Take a bath together. Be clean together.”

Be sexual friends.“The biggest secret to overcoming inhibitions is to think of each other as your intimate sexual friend,” “With a friend, you don’t need to get defensive if something doesn’t work.”

The spirit should be camaraderie, not competition. Instead of judging each other, think of yourselves as partners in crime, of sorts: “When people back off from their adversarial ways, new solutions tend to rear their heads in funny, unpredictable ways,”.

“He always does the same thing”. The “same thing” is actually two things: the basic puckered-lip press and the French kiss. “Women like French kissing,” says William Cane, who researched American kissing habits for his book Art of Kissing. “But they complain that their guys don’t know other types of kisses.”

“His French kissing is uninspired.” Just stuffing your tongue down her throat as you kiss is an insult to the French. Where do you think the word finesse comes from in the first place? Flick. Explore. Massage. Communicate with your tongue.

“He tries to suck my face off.” Passion is wonderful. Disfiguration isn’t. Control your animal instincts; this is kissing, not a feeding frenzy. Make sure your enthusiasm is in sync with hers.

“He slobbers all over me.” Passionate soul-kissing may sometimes get a little sloppy. But if you’re the only one spilling the soup, you’re probably making her more angry than excited.

“I feel like I’m kissing a corpse.” That’s because your kisses are mushy, limp, dead. Where’s the feeling? These limp kisses don’t tell her you’re gentle. They tell her that you’re either squeamish or preoccupied with other things.

“His breath is bad.” After a few years together, you may tend to get careless. It’s just as annoying to her no matter how long you’ve been together. Where’d you leave that Listerine bottle?

You knew women were a breed apart from us; you just had no idea to what extent that was true. It’s not just breasts, soft skin, and quarts of estrogen that make the difference between the genders. For instance, language skills come more easily to women than men.

This explains why conversations with your woman may have left you in the dust on occasion.

If you’re going to hold your own in the arena of verbal communication, it pays to study the tactics of the other side. One of the best ways to learn how to talk to women is to listen to them talk among themselves.

Talking Her Talk

We know you’re not about to go and eavesdrop on your partner’s next gabfest with her girlfriends. After all, your goal is to understand her better, not bore yourself to death. So, we did the eavesdropping for you. Here are a few key ways that women make conversation. Incorporate these ways into your communication arsenal, and you may find yourself that rarest breed of men—the guy who, according to his woman, “really listens, really understands me.”

Show her you’re still alive. At regular intervals, let her know (or at least, let her think) you’re listening by nodding or saying “mm-hm.” “Better yet,” says clinical psychologist and marriage and family therapist Dr. Jonathan M. Kramer, “try paraphrasing what you think she said. Don’t parrot. Rephrase what you heard with an ‘Are you saying…?’” If you got it right, she‘ll be amazed that you really heard her. And if you didn’t, she‘ll clarify what she meant and will be glad that you’re sincerely trying to listen and understand her.

Offer support. After she has vented, you have a choice of offering her two things: advice or sympathy. If she asks for advice, give it. If she doesn’t—or you’re not sure how she wants you to respond—choose support and sympathy. In conversation, women try hard to gauge what the speaker needs and then offer it to them. Women also ask questions; they don’t search for the answer. This gets the other person to open up more.

Praise unconditionally. Women tend to hear criticism, not praise. So when you say, “You looked better in that green dress than in the blue dress,” they hear, “He doesn’t think I look good in the blue dress.” When giving praise, leave out the “buts” and any other conditionals. “Look for something positive to say,” advises Dr. Kramer. “The blue in that dress goes great with your eyes. The green one makes you look 21.”

Controlling Conversation

It’s all well and good to understand how women communicate. But what happens when you’re in a certain conversational situation with your woman and she starts crying? Or nagging? Or criticizing? Or, worst of all, what if she’s winning the argument? Relax. Whatever scenario you find yourself in, here’s how you can talk your way out of it.

She wants to talk. The words men dread the most: “Honey, we have to talk.” If your partner says this, your personal defenses may switch to red alert. But before that happens, take a deep breath and ask yourself, “Do I want to talk?” If the answer is yes, great. If it’s no, there is no law against telling her you’re not in the mood but that you’ll be ready in a half-hour (or two hours, after the game). But you have to be prepared to keep your word and talk, says Appalachian State University’s Dr. Dan Jones.

She’s babbling. One minute she’s talking about the hard day she had at work; the next she’s blathering about fat knees and wondering why her best friend hasn’t sent her a birthday card. When that’s the case, take the pressure off yourself. You don’t have to solve a problem or offer advice. Just listen.

She’s crying. Good rule of thumb: When she clearly shows an emotional response, respond to the emotion, not the words. “It would be ridiculous to walk away from someone who says she’s fine if there are tears streaming down her face,” says Dr. Jones. “Respond to the tears by holding her or saying something soothing. You don’t necessarily have to force her to make sense of her feelings right in the moment.”

She’s nagging. Sorry to tell you this, but studies have shown that women “nag” more than men because we tend not to respond as readily to requests as our female counterparts. Get in the habit of stating specifically when you’ll perform a task. For instance, the first time she asks you to take out the garbage, say, “I’ll do it right after dinner.” And, of course, stick to your promise.

She’s winning. As we mentioned earlier, women are better at conversation than men are. When you’re fighting, that fact can be darn frustrating. Scary, too. Often, instances of violence in a home can be traced to moments where men feel frustrated at their inability to adequately defend themselves verbally in an argument, says Dr. Jones. To make sure that you never even get close to that kind of breaking point, don’t be afraid to tell her to slow down, right there in the middle of the fight. Tell her that she has lost you and you can’t keep up.