Alarms go off in your head—you haven’t kissed someone new in who knows how long. Or maybe you’re not so addled by the thought of mere kissing—contact with his mouth, you can handle, but what about contact with the thing bobbing amiably about two and a half feet directly south? What if all this mashing leads to s-e-x? You’re so used to doing it a certain way—what if that’s not the way they do it anymore? You’ve got body anxiety. You’ve got sexually-transmitted-disease anxiety. You’ve got performance anxiety. Let’s just say you’re anxious.

The first time you have sex with someone new after a long, monogamous relationship, it can be a loaded experience. For Erin, a twenty-seven-year-old lawyer, “Having sex unleashed all this hostility and resentment inside me. The second we finished, I hated him.” And for Jill, twenty-six, “I had gotten a sexually transmitted disease from my old boyfriend, and I didn’t know how to tell the new guy I was dating. It was a nightmare.”

“Sex in and of itself is weird,” says Dr. Sills. “Sex for the first time after a breakup can be even weirder. It often reawakens a vulnerability that you forgot about—and it might take time to feel okay about doing it again.” Just remember, the guys are as nervous as we are—and it’s even worse for them, because their anxiety is palpable. Literally. So take a deep breath, close your eyes, and think of . . . nothing.

“I think all of this stuff about effective communication skills and learning how to validate each other can really hurt an adult sexual relationship,” “In fact, I think individuals should look to themselves, rather than their partner, for validation.”

Encouraging partners to play the role of best friend/cheerleader takes away much of the possibility for having good sex. “Your partner doesn’t have to agree with you or even make you feel better about yourself to create feelings of warmth and intimacy,” “Passion doesn’t come from validation; it comes from being able to stay centered in the face of your partner’s emotions.”

A Passionate Marriage retreat, which can last either four or nine days, uses sex as the vehicle through which to teach the skills of being a grown-up. “Sex is a strong motivator,” “You can learn a tremendous amount about sexual intimacy with your clothes on and your feet on the floor.”

When the two of you have an adult relationship, based on the integrity you each feel within yourselves, your sex life will explode. “Once you’re strong enough to be completely open and honest with your partner, you’ll be able to have eyes-open orgasms”.

Come to think of it, we should rephrase the question. Is there any reason not to be sexually bored in a monogamous relationship?

Yes, and it’s worth it. The monotony monster is eminently slayable. The secret is the oldest battle strategy known to man: Know thy enemy, and you can whip it. In this case, your opponent is called biology.

The basic problem is simple. “You’re fighting a genuine restlessness born from millennia of having sexual variety being part of basic human reproductive strategy”. “I don’t think the human animal was built to be with one person for the rest of his life,” “So the sexual boredom that can set in with monogamy is real.”

It’s not that we’re evil or sinful or unable to make commitments. “It’s just that we’re struggling with our biology.”

Sex researchers agree that there’s something about us that equates novelty with excitement. At the same time, the very definition of monogamy makes novelty impossible. Houston, we have a problem.

Nurturing Novelty

“If novelty weren’t sexually exciting, how would Hugh Hefner have created his empire?” Good point. One centerfold serves its purpose as well as any other, but it was the appearance of a new one every month that built the Playboy mansion.

And, let’s face it, in the novelty competition, monogamy struggles to keep up. “Marital sex won’t be as ‘exciting’ as an affair”. “A long-term relationship doesn‘t have the novelty, the risk, the danger, and the forbidden aspects of an affair. That’s just reality.”

But it’s also reality that we don’t live in nature. We may be animals, but we’re not animals. We want monogamy; we just don’t want it to be dull. Our evolutionary heritage is a challenge, not a sentence. If shortcomings in the novelty department are the problem with monogamy, there are ways to fight it. A good start: Take the monotony out of monogamy by putting novelty in, starting with these suggestions.

Bust the rut. Same time, same place, same way, every time. You’re on the fast trackto booorrrring. Routine guarantees monotony.

But couples fall into routines as easily as they fell in love. And then they wonder why they’re bored. “You have to do something to make it different and exciting” “Even the most incredible lover imaginable has to be more than a one-trick pony.”

So instead of poking this and rubbing that every Wednesday night during Letterman, try poking and rubbing on aTuesday night during Leno. Throw in a lick here or a nuzzle there while you’re at it. Hey, it’s a start.

Put sex in prime time. Rut happens. And time management is often the culprit. You have your work, she has hers; you both have the kids. Sex gets relegated to the back burner or gets taken off the stove entirely. That’s boring. “It’s a ghastly cliche,” “but you have to set aside quality time for your sex life together.”

And to qualify as “quality,” this time has to be at least as prime (though maybe not as long) as what you give to your work, and, yes, to your kids. After midnight on exhausting days doesn‘t cut it. “How can you enjoy sex when you’re in no condition to enjoy anything?” “You can’t operate on burnout and expect sex to function.”

Make it a project. Pay as much attention to your sexual relationship as you do to your work (or sports, or your car), and you’ll fend offboredom. That means doing the research (books, tapes, videos), exploring the possibilities, identifying your needs, testing alternatives, practicing the technical tricks. In other words, everything you do when you buy a computer or join a fantasy baseball league.

“There are all kinds of ways to combat boredom, but you have to make the effort”. “Too many men get caught like a mouse on a treadmill. They complain about how boring it is—but they never get off the wheel.”

Don’t work at your relationship. Yes, you read that right. True, you do have to make the effort to keep the zing in your sex life. But if you think of it as work, you’re losing the battle. In fact, that’s a big reason why some couples throw in the towel. “When couples stop having sex, it’s almost always the man’s call”. “He figures if it’s going to be more of a hassle than a pleasure, then it’s not worth it.” So don’t hassle.

Enjoy the process. Think of Operation Anti-monotony as an exploration, an adventure. “Sustaining the sexual chemistry isn’t work,” “It wasn’t work when you were doing all those things to orchestrate special evenings with your conquest of the week. Keep that sense of pleasure.”

Assume she‘ll cooperate. Don’t short-circuit your anti-monotony efforts out of fear that she may not be in the spirit of things. Remember, she doesn‘t like ennui any more than you. And if you’re bored, odds are she is, too. “People don’t get bored by themselves; relationships get boring。” “If you come up with a good idea, she‘ll probably go for it.”

Hang in there. As you make that broken-field run toward sexual pay dirt within your relationship, you’re going to have to dodge some temptations to give up. “You have all kinds of things set up for you to escape”. “You have access to pornography, prostitutes, cybersex, affairs.” The point, isn’t that these things are evil, but rather that our culture, by winking at transgressions by men, makes it easy to lose track of the larger goal.

Injecting novelty into your sex play is a useful ongoing pick-me-up, a proven boredom-killer. But you need to make a more fundamental change in your approach to sex if you want to weed out monotony at its roots.

How? Dr. McCarthy calls the answer interactive sex. It comes down to intimacy, to exploiting the arousal inherent in you, in her, and in the interaction between you. “If you buy only the notion that what makes sex hot is a new stimulant from the outside, you wind up devaluing ongoing sex and de-eroticizing your partner” “It’s as if you don’t own your own sexuality, that it’s something external to you.” So take responsibility for your own arousal instead of wondering why it doesn‘t “happen.” Stop chasing lightning and build a fire instead.

Ask her opinion. She needs to feel that she’s a part of your life, and not just your home or sex life either. On a certain level, she expects you not just to include her in what you’re doing but also to solicit and rely on her opinions about the things you’re doing. So solicit, already. Whenever you’re thinking about a career move, whenever you’re planning a vacation, find out what she thinks. It sounds like you’re letting yourself in for unnecessary grief, but really all you’re doing is showing how you value her—and she has a right to expect that.

Study her dad. Just as you will expect your partner to fulfill many of your mother’s roles, so many of her expectations about how a man should behave will come directly from her father. To find out what she expects from you, ask her what she admires about her father, or any other male figures who played a paternal role in her life. In all likelihood, this is a man she respects, admires, and depends on, as much for the tasks he performed as for the way he treated her. If her father did it, and she loves her father, then you want the job.

Call ahead. If you told her you were going to be home by 5:00 P.M. and you’re running late, call and let her know. If you’re on the road for business, call every night. If you’re at work and thinking about her, call her. This is not about being a kept man. This is about letting your woman know you care about her.

Carry a calendar. And write her important dates in it. And Mother’s Day (if you have children). And Valentine’s Day. She’s going to expect to get pampered on such occasions. You can help yourself remember by highlighting the dates on your calendar as soon as you get a new one—or make it a New Year’s Day tradition.

Specifically, you could look it up in the landmark Sex in America survey conducted by the University of Chicago and the National Opinion Research Center. So if you’re concerned that once you make the commitment, you’re doomed to be Al Bundy, take heart from the following survey findings.

Monogamous men are the most satisfied. About 50 percent of married men said that they were extremely physically and emotionally satisfied with their partners. The lowest satisfaction rates were among men neither married nor living with someone.
Monogamous men have more sex. On average, cohabiting men have sex eight times a month, married men seven times, and non-cohabiting men six times.

Monogamous men have steadier sex. Almost half (48 percent) of non-cohabiting men have sex either just a few times per year or not at all. Only 8 percent of cohabiting and 14 percent of married men fall into those categories.

Near-daily sex is not the norm. The over‑whelming majority (more than 75 percent) of monogamous men—be they married or cohabiting—have sex between a few times a month and two or three times a week. Single guys average much less.

Plan an ambush. “Spring new things on her”. “Don’t talk the subject up too much. It leads to too many expectations.” In other words, communicating your kissing preferences is useful in the broad sense, but the best way to introduce new twists in your kissing is to just do it. Explaining what you’re going to try and choreographing the entire operation turns it into a performance. That’s not romantic.

“Try for variety in kissing,” “But try to introduce it smoothly into the context of the situation.”

Vary the action. Use your imagination. Tongue on tongue is nice, but you can also let the little fellow dance around her lips, her gums, even her teeth. Let it do a little exploring. Gently run it along the outside of her lips and inside her mouth, between her cheek and gums. Make swirling, spinning motions from one side to another. Try sucking on her lower lip while she sucks on your upper. While you’re at it, see what moves turn her on. And ease off sometimes; vary your pace. Most specialists find that the change from intense to easy, from sexual to playful and back again, only heightens excitement and adds to your pleasure.

Kiss her neck. This is a winner, a Grade-A surefire partner-pleaser. “Women rave about being kissed on the neck,” “The statistics on it in my surveys were amazing.”Don’t stop there. Most women love kisses on the outer ear, the lobe, and its environs. Of course, there’s no place on a clean body that isn’t kissable during foreplay or “outercourse.” But during your newly rediscovered kissing for kissing’s sake, there’s a universe of pleasure to be found from the neck up.

Kiss in public. “If you’ve never done it,” “it can be kind of exciting.” A modest public kissing demonstration can strengthen your bond—it’s the two of you alone against the world. Of course, some women are just plain uncomfortable showing private acts in public places. And even if she’s okay kissing publicly, don’t overdo it. You’re not trying to create a spectacle. “It doesn’t have to be intimate kissing,” “But everybody has a little bit of exhibitionism in them.”

Kiss in cars. There must be something about the automobile that gets lips puckering. Just about everybody likes making out in cars. But there’s also something about steady relationships that seems to make people forget how much they liked it. So try negotiating those bucket seats again.

By the way, part of the thrill of vehicular osculation, is that cars are only semi-private places. Thus, kissing inside of one falls under the category of quasi-public. But what have you got to hide?

Kiss as foreplay. All the encouragement you’re getting to disassociate kissing from intercourse doesn’t mean kissing has ceased to be a superb form of foreplay. “Especially if you prolong it a little”.

Kiss during sex. If you saw the movie Pretty Woman, you know that prostitutes usually don’t kiss their clients. Why? Because it’s part of what turns a physical act into intimate interaction. That’s the last thing a self-respecting professional wants. Of course, there are some positions in which even contortionists couldn’t reach each other’s lips. But kiss when you can. “Kissing makes her feel that she’s not there just for the sex”. Besides, when you’re kissing her during sex, nobody can accuse you of using kissing as a mere appetizer. Then it’s part of the main course.

And it’s a macho thing. “Men are supposed to know it all, and their bodies are supposed to always work”. “Inhibitions have to do with these unrealistic expectations.”

That gets back to the position problem. Move out of the missionary, and you usually have to work with her to get things physically organized. This is a good thing, but your macho, expectations may not see it that way. You don’t want to lose control of the situation. “Penises tend to slip out of vaginas in many positions”. “Men tend to get anxious about that, so they just stay away from them.”

But that’s not a very good strategy for long-term sexual fulfillment in a relationship. Besides, anxiety comes with sex. “Anxiety is motivating. We don’t do anything in life without it.” And that includes (please don’t hit us for saying it) varying your sexual routine. What follows are strategies to help you identify and conquer whatever inhibitions might be lying around’ your mind.

Manage your anxiety.

The trick is to learn to tolerate a certain amount of anxiety. “Avoiding anxiety is not the point”. “Learning to live with it is.” In other words, somewhere between paralyzing fear and total apathy is a level of anxiety that you can work with. Find that level. “And then manage it well enough so that you can confront what really turns you on.”

Accept yourself.

Recognize that what turns you on is simply a source of sexual pleasure for you, not some kind of cosmic comment on your worth as a human being. You don’t need to feel embarrassed or personally rejected if she doesn’t happen to share that particular turn-on. “Rather than depending on validation from your mate for what you think, give that validation to yourself.”

Example: You’d just love it if at certain impassioned points of the process, the love chatter between the two of you turned X-rated. But you’d never bring it up because you’re afraid she might think you’re a foul-mouthed fool. Hence, nothing ever happens. “That’s the kind of inhibition that keeps you from being real about sex“. “You have to be able to say, ‘Hey, it may not be politically correct, hut it really floats my boat.’

Let go of something.

One way to loosen the logjam is to find within you just one long-held sexual secret that you can somehow tell her about. “That doesn’t mean sharing all your secrets”. “Just let go of something that has been keeping you from being closer to her.”

A favorite one for women is “I always think that if you really knew me, you wouldn’t love me.” If she can get that out, you’re more likely to say “Of course I would, honey,” than “You’re probably right.” So if you can manage to blurt out, say, “I’m worried I’ll keep slipping out of you if we try it spoon-style,” you’ll probably discover that she won’t immediately file for divorce. She might even say, “So what? It feels good when we get it back in.”

Jettison excess baggage.

You don’t have to keep carrying society’s sex-is-dirty messages around with you. Liberate yourself from inhibiting notions about sex that were forced upon you when you didn’t know any better. “Do some self-examination”. “Get conscious about what those messages are, and get rid of the ones that aren’t serving you.”

You know the phrase “the gentle art of conversation“? It was not devised by a man.

Men tend to perceive conversation with a mate as a form of competition or challenge— like playing office politics or jockeying for position in the passing lane. When we’re asked a question, we don’t just answer—we want to give the right answer (or the right excuse). If talking turns into a debate or argument, naturally we want to win it. If the conversation revolves around our partner’s problems, 9 times out of 10, we’ll move into advice-giving mode, trying to come up with solutions to the puzzle laid out before us.

Our adversarial attitude toward conversation is not just mental; it’s physical, too. Conversation can be as stressful as any physical challenge men face in life. It actually quickens our heart rates and causes our temperatures to rise. Left unchecked, our impulse to wrestle with conversation can also cause tempers to rise and very quickly lead a conversation into the not-so-gentle realm of a full-blown argument. But it doesn’t have to be this way.

Guy Talk

It’s the basic nature of men to equate the rigors of conversation with more physical challenges. We don’t talk about stuff; we do stuff. We’re hands- on, proactive. “Men get their identities from their achievements, not their relationships”. Thus, we have a hard time simply having a talk, empathizing with a partner, commiserating with her. We need the talk to have a point or a goal, or to address a concrete issue that can be solved with advice and specific actions.

This is just the opposite of what women want. Usually, all they want is to feel that you’ve heard them, regardless of whether your conversation comes to a specific resolution.

That’s not the only way we differ in conversational style. Just for your own edification, here are some other examples that reveal our competitive leanings when it comes to conversation.

Men issue commands; women make requests. For example, a man will say, “Close the door,” while a woman will ask, “Will you please close the door?” This gives men power and makes women seem subservient.

Believe it or not, men talk more than women. While women initiate conversations, men interrupt a lot more and thus gain control of the discussion.

In conversation, men like to give information, not get it. This, by the way, is why we don’t like to ask for directions.

Speaking Her Language

Unless you want every conversation to descend into a fight or heated debate, temper your world-conquering approach to conversation. Not only will doing this ease stress in mind and body but it can also make you closer to your partner. To become a conversational man, steal a few pages from your partner’s rule book. Follow these precepts and you should find yourself well on the way to becoming a guy who speaks her language. Here’s how.

Listen up. The most obvious advice is the hardest to follow, isn’t it? But it’s a fact that women usually just want you to listen more than they want your advice. How can you tell when she really wants your advice? She‘ll ask for it. Wait to hear if she says, “What do you think?” Until then, keep your mouth shut and your ears open.

Open up. “It takes real bravery to make yourself vulnerable”. “Men should look at attempts to be intimate as maverick acts of courage.” So don’t be afraid to make revealing statements about yourself. To a woman, that’s what conversation is all about.

Calm down. Men get very agitated in the face of disagreement. That agitation often propels us to higher levels of anxiety—which explains the rising heart rate and body temperature. So if you feel yourself getting hot under the collar, take five. Explain to your partner that you’re having trouble relaxing and that you need a few minutes to calm down so that you can communicate more effectively.

Don’t get angry if you’re sad. In conversation, as in life, men have been trained to think the best defense is a good offense. So when we’re feeling hurt or sad, rather than express those feelings in a conversation, we’ll often repress them and show anger instead. You don’t necessarily have to show your hurt feelings if you don’t want to, but if you’re going to mask those feelings, mask them in a neutral way instead of covering them up with an angry outburst.

Practice patience. We guys are often impatient with women’s conversational style.

“When will she get to the point?” we wonder, as our conversational radar scans for opportunities to offer advice, give information, or share one of our own experiences.

Instead, try this experiment”Turn off your male conversational radar, take slow, full breaths to relax, and just let yourself be with your woman in conversation. Draw her out. Listen to what she’s trying to say. Let her know you understand by paraphrasing what she says. Add whatever seems relevant, but keep the focus on her.”

And in addition to their educational value, or perhaps because of it, a growing proportion of triple-X viewers are couples. Adult sex movie are no longer just a guy thing. They’re the media age horizon-broadeners for couples.

As a result of all this, sex movies, even some good ones, are easily available, sanctioned by most sex therapists, and not very expensive to rent. But it’s not like you’re running down to the 7-Eleven for nachos and sour cream. Porn videos are still controversial. And they can be controversial in your home. “There are a lot of women who’ll throw you out of the house if you bring one home,” So proceed on your stay-at-home movie date with caution.

Make sure she wants it. Cueing up Monty Python and the Holy Grail after you told her you were bringing home a “British historical epic” might work as a funny shtick. But promising her a “romantic classic” and surprising her with Debbie Does Dallas can backfire something terrible (even though you were technically telling the truth). “You have to communicate with her on this,” “Every woman is unique, with different appetites and desires.”

Make sure you want it. It doesn’t matter how seasoned a porn veteran you may be. Seeing it with the one you love (and live with) is a whole different ball of wax.

“There are times where embarrassment takes over and the guy can’t do anything,” So it’s not just for her sake that you need to talk about the whole experience beforehand.

Find one she’ll go for. Most X-rated videos—in fact, until recently, all X-rated movies—cater to men’s tastes, and not necessarily our most civilized ones. But some are produced with women or couples in mind. A few are even made by and for women (although with the whimsical pseudonyms prevalent in the business, it’s hard to tell who’s what). At any rate, it’s your challenge to find the appropriate genre, even if it means asking the guy behind the counter. “You need to be discerning,” “Don’t assume that what you find stimulating will be equally stimulating to her.”

Get educational. It’s pretty hard to find a plot in a sex movie anyway, so why not try the how-to kind? “There are some great sexed videos available that are introduced by sex therapists,” “They’re terrific teaching tools.” And they teach what you want to learn—positions, techniques, and so on—not just biology. Oh, and don’t let the “educational” tag fool you. This is stimulating stuff.

Take oral sex, for example.

Yeah, we know, you’d be glad to. But will she provide it just as gladly? The Sex survey in America found that while a not-so-surprising 83 percent of men consider it appealing to receive oral sex, only 57 percent of women consider giving it appealing. What’s more, almost a third of women (32 percent) don’t even like receiving oral sex. There’s a discrepancy here.

You don’t need statistics to tell you if she’s uptight about pursuing new paths to pleasure. But why? Take all the social messages you got about the evil of sexuality and multiply it many-fold for her.

“It goes back to the virgin thing,” “Girls are told not to let anybody touch them. They’re taught early not to respond sexually.”

That sort of programming can lead to body hang-ups. Next thing you know, years have gone by and she still won’t consider making love with the lights on. “Women have the same kind of head noises about measuring up as men do,” “But with them, it’s more like ‘I’m too fat’ or ‘I’m too thin.’” And, just like you, women can be wary of what enjoying certain sex acts might say about who they are. “Some women might shy away from oral sex because of what it might uncover,” “It’s not just that they might like it, but that they might even like it if you demand it in a demeaning way.” Here are some suggestions for helping her confront and overcome her inhibitions.

Enlist in the battle. “Any woman can be helped,” “You have to take charge and struggle to help her, if she wants you to.” That means encouraging her to reveal her desires. How? Try asking. “You have to ask her what feels good, what she wants you to do.”

Take it easy. Ask, but don’t push too hard. “Have patience,” “Don’t overwhelm her with your desires and needs. Take your time.” Remember, you have a lifetime (hers) of negative momentum to overcome. Go slowly. Start out a bit naughty and playful. Talk dirty. Get comfortable with your new sexual territory and lingo and keep experimenting.

Strike while the iron’s hot. Ask her over coffee what she‘d like you to do sexually, and she needs to answer in full, blushing sentences. Ask her if she likes what you’re doing while you’re doing it, and she can respond negatively or positively with a mere moan. “Do you like this?” is a lot more effective when the “this” is a real feeling instead of an abstract idea. “One of the best times to find out what your partner likes is during sex,” “When you’re in the throes, you can make personal requests of each other that at other times might horrify one of you.”

Wash away the worries. One reason some women are shy about oralsex, isbecause they think their sex organs aredirty. Or smelly. “There’s a simple solution for that,” she says. “Take a shower together. Take a bath together. Be clean together.”

Be sexual friends.“The biggest secret to overcoming inhibitions is to think of each other as your intimate sexual friend,” “With a friend, you don’t need to get defensive if something doesn’t work.”

The spirit should be camaraderie, not competition. Instead of judging each other, think of yourselves as partners in crime, of sorts: “When people back off from their adversarial ways, new solutions tend to rear their heads in funny, unpredictable ways,”.

“He always does the same thing”. The “same thing” is actually two things: the basic puckered-lip press and the French kiss. “Women like French kissing,” says William Cane, who researched American kissing habits for his book Art of Kissing. “But they complain that their guys don’t know other types of kisses.”

“His French kissing is uninspired.” Just stuffing your tongue down her throat as you kiss is an insult to the French. Where do you think the word finesse comes from in the first place? Flick. Explore. Massage. Communicate with your tongue.

“He tries to suck my face off.” Passion is wonderful. Disfiguration isn’t. Control your animal instincts; this is kissing, not a feeding frenzy. Make sure your enthusiasm is in sync with hers.

“He slobbers all over me.” Passionate soul-kissing may sometimes get a little sloppy. But if you’re the only one spilling the soup, you’re probably making her more angry than excited.

“I feel like I’m kissing a corpse.” That’s because your kisses are mushy, limp, dead. Where’s the feeling? These limp kisses don’t tell her you’re gentle. They tell her that you’re either squeamish or preoccupied with other things.

“His breath is bad.” After a few years together, you may tend to get careless. It’s just as annoying to her no matter how long you’ve been together. Where’d you leave that Listerine bottle?

You knew women were a breed apart from us; you just had no idea to what extent that was true. It’s not just breasts, soft skin, and quarts of estrogen that make the difference between the genders. For instance, language skills come more easily to women than men.

This explains why conversations with your woman may have left you in the dust on occasion.

If you’re going to hold your own in the arena of verbal communication, it pays to study the tactics of the other side. One of the best ways to learn how to talk to women is to listen to them talk among themselves.

Talking Her Talk

We know you’re not about to go and eavesdrop on your partner’s next gabfest with her girlfriends. After all, your goal is to understand her better, not bore yourself to death. So, we did the eavesdropping for you. Here are a few key ways that women make conversation. Incorporate these ways into your communication arsenal, and you may find yourself that rarest breed of men—the guy who, according to his woman, “really listens, really understands me.”

Show her you’re still alive. At regular intervals, let her know (or at least, let her think) you’re listening by nodding or saying “mm-hm.” “Better yet,” says clinical psychologist and marriage and family therapist Dr. Jonathan M. Kramer, “try paraphrasing what you think she said. Don’t parrot. Rephrase what you heard with an ‘Are you saying…?’” If you got it right, she‘ll be amazed that you really heard her. And if you didn’t, she‘ll clarify what she meant and will be glad that you’re sincerely trying to listen and understand her.

Offer support. After she has vented, you have a choice of offering her two things: advice or sympathy. If she asks for advice, give it. If she doesn’t—or you’re not sure how she wants you to respond—choose support and sympathy. In conversation, women try hard to gauge what the speaker needs and then offer it to them. Women also ask questions; they don’t search for the answer. This gets the other person to open up more.

Praise unconditionally. Women tend to hear criticism, not praise. So when you say, “You looked better in that green dress than in the blue dress,” they hear, “He doesn’t think I look good in the blue dress.” When giving praise, leave out the “buts” and any other conditionals. “Look for something positive to say,” advises Dr. Kramer. “The blue in that dress goes great with your eyes. The green one makes you look 21.”

Controlling Conversation

It’s all well and good to understand how women communicate. But what happens when you’re in a certain conversational situation with your woman and she starts crying? Or nagging? Or criticizing? Or, worst of all, what if she’s winning the argument? Relax. Whatever scenario you find yourself in, here’s how you can talk your way out of it.

She wants to talk. The words men dread the most: “Honey, we have to talk.” If your partner says this, your personal defenses may switch to red alert. But before that happens, take a deep breath and ask yourself, “Do I want to talk?” If the answer is yes, great. If it’s no, there is no law against telling her you’re not in the mood but that you’ll be ready in a half-hour (or two hours, after the game). But you have to be prepared to keep your word and talk, says Appalachian State University’s Dr. Dan Jones.

She’s babbling. One minute she’s talking about the hard day she had at work; the next she’s blathering about fat knees and wondering why her best friend hasn’t sent her a birthday card. When that’s the case, take the pressure off yourself. You don’t have to solve a problem or offer advice. Just listen.

She’s crying. Good rule of thumb: When she clearly shows an emotional response, respond to the emotion, not the words. “It would be ridiculous to walk away from someone who says she’s fine if there are tears streaming down her face,” says Dr. Jones. “Respond to the tears by holding her or saying something soothing. You don’t necessarily have to force her to make sense of her feelings right in the moment.”

She’s nagging. Sorry to tell you this, but studies have shown that women “nag” more than men because we tend not to respond as readily to requests as our female counterparts. Get in the habit of stating specifically when you’ll perform a task. For instance, the first time she asks you to take out the garbage, say, “I’ll do it right after dinner.” And, of course, stick to your promise.

She’s winning. As we mentioned earlier, women are better at conversation than men are. When you’re fighting, that fact can be darn frustrating. Scary, too. Often, instances of violence in a home can be traced to moments where men feel frustrated at their inability to adequately defend themselves verbally in an argument, says Dr. Jones. To make sure that you never even get close to that kind of breaking point, don’t be afraid to tell her to slow down, right there in the middle of the fight. Tell her that she has lost you and you can’t keep up.

Do the exercise in turn. If you are the passive partner sits quietly, spending a few moments letting go of thoughts and concerns. Wait for your partner to surprise and awaken each of your senses. Focus all of your attention on the immediate sensation before you. If he gives you a flower, take time to absorb the beauty of its shape and colour. Then touch each petal to feel its silky texture. Lift it to your nose to breathe in its perfume. If he plays some music for you, chimes resonate bells, or whispers into your ear, let your hearing expand to capture all the nuances of sound. He can then stimulate your taste buds, putting into your mouth, one piece at a time, some tiny morsels of delicious food. Close your eyes and concentrate completely on savouring each specific taste and texture. Then he can draw your attention to your tactile sense. Feel your skin tingle in response to every teasing stimulation. He can stroke his fingertips lightly over your skin, or trail soft textures of silk and chiffon against your face — notice the varying sensations on the different parts of your body and what feels warm or cool on your skin. Lose yourself completely in every sensation until all of your senses have become totally awakened.

RECIPE 1

Expanding

Basil, Frankincense, Lavender

To an aromatherapy burner

Add the following:

1 drop Basil

2 drops Frankincense

3 drops Lavender

RECIPE 2

Focusing

Cedarwood, Black Pepper,
Bergamot
To an aromatherapy burner
add the following:

4 drops Cedarwood

5 drops Black Pepper

6 drops Bergamot

But even though the brain is not a battery-operated gadget, it still may need some recharging now and then. For many people, particularly after many years of sex with the same person, the old excitement is just not there in the same degree and needs a little assistance. We want to teach you how to use your mind to stimulate the sexual urges before there is any physical contact. In other words, you should learn how to put yourself in a sexually receptive mood at will, to make yourself a more erotically oriented person by only using your mind. What do we mean by this?

There is an old joke that we often hear and retell in one form or another. It goes like this: A young woman during the Czarist period in Russia tells her mother that she is frightened at the thought of her wedding night just a few days away. She doesn’t know what to do or what to say to her new husband when they get married. She doesn’t know what to do sexually or even how to feel. Her mother tries to reassure her and says, ‘Don’t worry my daughter. Everything will be fine. When your husband comes to you and it is time for him to climb into bed with you, just lie back and think of Mother Russia and the Czarina!’

This may not be very funny for some of you, but think of the significance of this old story. If something is unpleasant, we are to use our minds to tune out the experience by concentrating on something that is totally unrelated. This suggests, too, that the opposite is also true. You can use your mind to get more deeply involved in a sexual experience, if you so choose. It is up to you which way to go!

You must learn, through practice and more practice, to use your brain to reverse any negative thinking about sex that you may have been brought up with. This is a skill, like any other skill, and it can be learned. It will then become available to you when you want to create your own erotic mental setting around the physical act that takes place. These exercises will help you take charge and be in control over your own newly heightened sensual and sexual sensitivities and skills.

Your mind can become like a DVD recorder where you have stored a series of thoughts, fantasies, images, settings, and so forth, which you will play on the screen of your consciousness when you want to. For example, let’s say that you saw a movie a few days ago and there was a scene that was especially erotic and arousing to you. You should record or store that scene in your brain and play it back frequently during the next few weeks. It may be used to help you get aroused, or even to help you desire sex when you don’t feel especially interested.

If you play back this scene a few times in your mind when you are resting by yourself or taking a break from work, you will be less likely to forget it. You then have an effective “cassette” or memory to pull out when you would like to have sex but do not have as strong an urge as you would like. Playing this “cassette” in your mind should trigger an arousal response that might not otherwise spontaneously appear. This technique helps you be more “horny” when you want to feel that way. By carrying around a figurative shelf full of such “cassettes” in your mind, you will very likely become a more “sexy” person to yourself and that is necessary when you want to be sexy for someone else. In other words, you are as sexy as you feel. What we are suggesting here is that you should not wait for someone else to “turn you on.” You should turn yourself on—regularly and frequently—and you may discover that it becomes easier and easier to become spontaneously aroused. Storing these visually erotic images in your mind is one of the arousal “tricks” that are not dependent on physical contact from someone else or your self-pleasuring. Later you may use these “mental” motivators as a prologue to physical sexual stimulation. For now let’s develop the mental skills in a wide variety of ways for future use. After a while, when you get good at this mental stimulation, you may want to combine these erotic images with the physical stimulation. That will be an important step for you: to learn to make an automatic and simultaneous connection between physical and mental arousal.

These are visual cues, that is photos and movies, and also the reading of erotic poetry and novels. We are not necessarily endorsing the use of these, since we know that many people have strong feelings about what they may call pornography. We strongly condemn violent, exploitative, and sexist pornography but there is more romantic, less offensive erotica that can help many people. There is much erotica—movies, photos, art work, and novels—which is sensitive and beautiful, and does not contain those negative aspects of the “cheap” pornography. Most librarians know the difference between classic erotica and low- grade pornography, and can steer you to literature or art books of the former type. Also, many of the larger video stores now stock “couples oriented” erotic movies as opposed to the male- oriented X-rated movies. Some of these adult films recommended for couples are even presented from a feminist perspective with an eye to love and romance rather than repetitious male-oriented sex scenes.

The cedar is a beautiful and majestic coniferous evergreen tree. The essential oil that is distilled from its wood has been revered since ancient times for its relaxing and meditative qualities. The cedar tree is frequently mentioned in the Bible, often in relation to fertility. In many parts of the world it has been known as the ‘tree of life’ or the `tree of gods’, being renowned as a symbol of faith and strength. Varying species of cedar grow throughout the world’s regions, but it is the Cedrus Atlantica that is most often preferred in the use of aromatherapy. It is also commonly used in incense, to perfume the home as well as during religious ceremonies.

Cedarwood’s dry, woody aroma can soothe an anxious mind. Its properties help to alleviate many physical complaints, and work well on the respiratory system. Its soothing qualities are used in skincare to preserve youthful beauty. Cedarwood essential oil can help relieve irritated skin or an itchy scalp and is particularly good for oily skin. Caution: Do not use during pregnancy.

The essence from bergamot is commonly used in perfumes; this is what gives Earl Grey tea its distinctive flavour. It was once much favoured as a perfume for spices and floral decorations, especially at times of celebration such as marriage ceremonies or to welcome a baby’s birth.

Bergamot comes from a small tree that grows mainly in Italy and some parts of Africa. The essence is expressed from the rind of its unusual citrus fruit. It can be used whenever a partner is anxious or depressed, or prone to heated outbursts of temper, as it is able to help alleviate tension and anxiety. Bergamot cools feverish conditions, and has been used in the treatment of urinary tract infections such as cystitis — it can also soothe the digestive and respiratory system, encouraging appetite and a return to health during convalescence.

Caution: Do not apply to skin to be exposed to sunlight or ultra-violet light, it increases the skin’s photosensitivity. It may irritate sensitive skin.

Records of black pepper’s uses as an aphrodisiac have been made throughout history. Ancient Arabic manuals giving advice on sexual matters refer to its erotic properties. In Roman times, it was liberally used, not only as a spice for cooking, but to add strength and stamina to a man’s performance, both on the battlefield and in the bedroom. During the bathing rituals of the Roman era — often a prelude to a night of hedonistic pleasure — servants added the essence of black pepper to oils which they used to anoint their masters’ bodies.

The essential oil of black pepper is distilled from the plant’s red berries that are picked before they ripen and dried naturally in the sun. In ancient times, black pepper was so highly regarded as a spice, that battles were fought over it, and it was sometimes traded, ounce for ounce, for the same price as gold.

A stimulating essential oil that can warm and ease stiffness in cold, tense muscles and increase their tone, black pepper’s spicy properties can also refresh the mind and help to banish fatigue. Caution: Black pepper’s essential oil may irritate some skins.

Basil’s essential oil, extracted from the shrub’s leaves and flowering tops, can be used to reawaken a sexual relationship that has waned in intensity or interest, or when someone is anxious or lacks experience. Some say that its name comes from basileus, the Greek for ‘king’ because its wonderful smell is fit for royalty. Basil originates from India where myth has it that the Hindu gods, Krishna and Vishnu, bestowed upon it protective and inspirational properties. It now grows extensively around the world, most notably across southern Europe, North Africa, Java, Seychelles and North America.

Basil’s strengthening, stimulating and restorative properties help to ease mental, emotional and physical fatigue and, when added to a base oil and rubbed into the body, remove weariness from tense, tired muscles. Its restorative properties are said to ease headaches, respiratory infections, sinus problems, asthma and flu. Caution: Avoid use during pregnancy. Apply with care on sensitive skin.

Clary sage has a strong, dry and nutty aroma, which can produce a sense of mild intoxication, capable of adding a touch of wild and gay abandon to a night of lovemaking.

Clary sage encourages creative thought but, because it can also be very soporific, it is best used for times of pleasure and relaxation. Clary sage should not be used before driving or any function requiring focused concentration.

In the past, clary sage’s mildly intoxicating qualities were used in white magic spells to ignite the interest of a desired lover. Certainly, its essence, when mixed with other oils, adds greatly to the sensuality of a body massage when used as a prelude to making love.

Clary sage is grown in many countries and its oil is distilled from its flowering tops and leaves. It is an aid in the treatment of digestive, respiratory and stress-related female reproductive disorders. Caution: Do not use in combination with alcohol or in any large doses as it can cause nausea. Gary sage should not be used in pregnancy, or by women who experience heavy menstrual flow.