Sex Sling

Better Than You, Buddy

You knew women were a breed apart from us; you just had no idea to what extent that was true. It’s not just breasts, soft skin, and quarts of estrogen that make the difference between the genders. For instance, language skills come more easily to women than men.

This explains why conversations with your woman may have left you in the dust on occasion.

If you’re going to hold your own in the arena of verbal communication, it pays to study the tactics of the other side. One of the best ways to learn how to talk to women is to listen to them talk among themselves.

Talking Her Talk

We know you’re not about to go and eavesdrop on your partner’s next gabfest with her girlfriends. After all, your goal is to understand her better, not bore yourself to death. So, we did the eavesdropping for you. Here are a few key ways that women make conversation. Incorporate these ways into your communication arsenal, and you may find yourself that rarest breed of men—the guy who, according to his woman, “really listens, really understands me.”

Show her you’re still alive. At regular intervals, let her know (or at least, let her think) you’re listening by nodding or saying “mm-hm.” “Better yet,” says clinical psychologist and marriage and family therapist Dr. Jonathan M. Kramer, “try paraphrasing what you think she said. Don’t parrot. Rephrase what you heard with an ‘Are you saying…?’” If you got it right, she‘ll be amazed that you really heard her. And if you didn’t, she‘ll clarify what she meant and will be glad that you’re sincerely trying to listen and understand her.

Offer support. After she has vented, you have a choice of offering her two things: advice or sympathy. If she asks for advice, give it. If she doesn’t—or you’re not sure how she wants you to respond—choose support and sympathy. In conversation, women try hard to gauge what the speaker needs and then offer it to them. Women also ask questions; they don’t search for the answer. This gets the other person to open up more.

Praise unconditionally. Women tend to hear criticism, not praise. So when you say, “You looked better in that green dress than in the blue dress,” they hear, “He doesn’t think I look good in the blue dress.” When giving praise, leave out the “buts” and any other conditionals. “Look for something positive to say,” advises Dr. Kramer. “The blue in that dress goes great with your eyes. The green one makes you look 21.”

Controlling Conversation

It’s all well and good to understand how women communicate. But what happens when you’re in a certain conversational situation with your woman and she starts crying? Or nagging? Or criticizing? Or, worst of all, what if she’s winning the argument? Relax. Whatever scenario you find yourself in, here’s how you can talk your way out of it.

She wants to talk. The words men dread the most: “Honey, we have to talk.” If your partner says this, your personal defenses may switch to red alert. But before that happens, take a deep breath and ask yourself, “Do I want to talk?” If the answer is yes, great. If it’s no, there is no law against telling her you’re not in the mood but that you’ll be ready in a half-hour (or two hours, after the game). But you have to be prepared to keep your word and talk, says Appalachian State University’s Dr. Dan Jones.

She’s babbling. One minute she’s talking about the hard day she had at work; the next she’s blathering about fat knees and wondering why her best friend hasn’t sent her a birthday card. When that’s the case, take the pressure off yourself. You don’t have to solve a problem or offer advice. Just listen.

She’s crying. Good rule of thumb: When she clearly shows an emotional response, respond to the emotion, not the words. “It would be ridiculous to walk away from someone who says she’s fine if there are tears streaming down her face,” says Dr. Jones. “Respond to the tears by holding her or saying something soothing. You don’t necessarily have to force her to make sense of her feelings right in the moment.”

She’s nagging. Sorry to tell you this, but studies have shown that women “nag” more than men because we tend not to respond as readily to requests as our female counterparts. Get in the habit of stating specifically when you’ll perform a task. For instance, the first time she asks you to take out the garbage, say, “I’ll do it right after dinner.” And, of course, stick to your promise.

She’s winning. As we mentioned earlier, women are better at conversation than men are. When you’re fighting, that fact can be darn frustrating. Scary, too. Often, instances of violence in a home can be traced to moments where men feel frustrated at their inability to adequately defend themselves verbally in an argument, says Dr. Jones. To make sure that you never even get close to that kind of breaking point, don’t be afraid to tell her to slow down, right there in the middle of the fight. Tell her that she has lost you and you can’t keep up.

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