Sex Again

September 18th, 2009

Let’s say you’ve gotten over the Madonna/whore complex and now you’ve attained a comfortable level of dating. You’ve been going out with a couple of different guys, and then you meet one that—kind of, sort of, possibly, not really, maybe — isn’t half-bad. You go out a few more times. One night, after an uncommonly jolly evening, he reaches out and pulls you toward him, and you see his face getting closer and closer, his lips making a funny 0-shape. Neurons fire. This guy wants to mash.

Alarms go off in your head—you haven’t kissed someone new in who knows how long. Or maybe you’re not so addled by the thought of mere kissing—contact with his mouth, you can handle, but what about contact with the thing bobbing amiably about two and a half feet directly south? What if all this mashing leads to s-e-x? You’re so used to doing it a certain way—what if that’s not the way they do it anymore? You’ve got body anxiety. You’ve got sexually-transmitted-disease anxiety. You’ve got performance anxiety. Let’s just say you’re anxious.

The first time you have sex with someone new after a long, monogamous relationship, it can be a loaded experience. For Erin, a twenty-seven-year-old lawyer, “Having sex unleashed all this hostility and resentment inside me. The second we finished, I hated him.” And for Jill, twenty-six, “I had gotten a sexually transmitted disease from my old boyfriend, and I didn’t know how to tell the new guy I was dating. It was a nightmare.”

“Sex in and of itself is weird,” says Dr. Sills. “Sex for the first time after a breakup can be even weirder. It often reawakens a vulnerability that you forgot about—and it might take time to feel okay about doing it again.” Just remember, the guys are as nervous as we are—and it’s even worse for them, because their anxiety is palpable. Literally. So take a deep breath, close your eyes, and think of . . . nothing.

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