Sex Sling

But it’s also a cultural thing. “You get horrible messages from the culture”. “Like the idea that sex is dirty unless you save it for marriage. Even if you do save it for marriage, you still carry around with you the `sex is dirty’ part.”

And it’s a macho thing. “Men are supposed to know it all, and their bodies are supposed to always work”. “Inhibitions have to do with these unrealistic expectations.”

That gets back to the position problem. Move out of the missionary, and you usually have to work with her to get things physically organized. This is a good thing, but your macho, expectations may not see it that way. You don’t want to lose control of the situation. “Penises tend to slip out of vaginas in many positions”. “Men tend to get anxious about that, so they just stay away from them.”

But that’s not a very good strategy for long-term sexual fulfillment in a relationship. Besides, anxiety comes with sex. “Anxiety is motivating. We don’t do anything in life without it.” And that includes (please don’t hit us for saying it) varying your sexual routine. What follows are strategies to help you identify and conquer whatever inhibitions might be lying around’ your mind.

Manage your anxiety.

The trick is to learn to tolerate a certain amount of anxiety. “Avoiding anxiety is not the point”. “Learning to live with it is.” In other words, somewhere between paralyzing fear and total apathy is a level of anxiety that you can work with. Find that level. “And then manage it well enough so that you can confront what really turns you on.”

Accept yourself.

Recognize that what turns you on is simply a source of sexual pleasure for you, not some kind of cosmic comment on your worth as a human being. You don’t need to feel embarrassed or personally rejected if she doesn’t happen to share that particular turn-on. “Rather than depending on validation from your mate for what you think, give that validation to yourself.”

Example: You’d just love it if at certain impassioned points of the process, the love chatter between the two of you turned X-rated. But you’d never bring it up because you’re afraid she might think you’re a foul-mouthed fool. Hence, nothing ever happens. “That’s the kind of inhibition that keeps you from being real about sex“. “You have to be able to say, ‘Hey, it may not be politically correct, hut it really floats my boat.’

Let go of something.

One way to loosen the logjam is to find within you just one long-held sexual secret that you can somehow tell her about. “That doesn’t mean sharing all your secrets”. “Just let go of something that has been keeping you from being closer to her.”

A favorite one for women is “I always think that if you really knew me, you wouldn’t love me.” If she can get that out, you’re more likely to say “Of course I would, honey,” than “You’re probably right.” So if you can manage to blurt out, say, “I’m worried I’ll keep slipping out of you if we try it spoon-style,” you’ll probably discover that she won’t immediately file for divorce. She might even say, “So what? It feels good when we get it back in.”

Jettison excess baggage.

You don’t have to keep carrying society’s sex-is-dirty messages around with you. Liberate yourself from inhibiting notions about sex that were forced upon you when you didn’t know any better. “Do some self-examination”. “Get conscious about what those messages are, and get rid of the ones that aren’t serving you.”

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