Sex Sling

Conversation = Competition

You know the phrase “the gentle art of conversation“? It was not devised by a man.

Men tend to perceive conversation with a mate as a form of competition or challenge— like playing office politics or jockeying for position in the passing lane. When we’re asked a question, we don’t just answer—we want to give the right answer (or the right excuse). If talking turns into a debate or argument, naturally we want to win it. If the conversation revolves around our partner’s problems, 9 times out of 10, we’ll move into advice-giving mode, trying to come up with solutions to the puzzle laid out before us.

Our adversarial attitude toward conversation is not just mental; it’s physical, too. Conversation can be as stressful as any physical challenge men face in life. It actually quickens our heart rates and causes our temperatures to rise. Left unchecked, our impulse to wrestle with conversation can also cause tempers to rise and very quickly lead a conversation into the not-so-gentle realm of a full-blown argument. But it doesn’t have to be this way.

Guy Talk

It’s the basic nature of men to equate the rigors of conversation with more physical challenges. We don’t talk about stuff; we do stuff. We’re hands- on, proactive. “Men get their identities from their achievements, not their relationships”. Thus, we have a hard time simply having a talk, empathizing with a partner, commiserating with her. We need the talk to have a point or a goal, or to address a concrete issue that can be solved with advice and specific actions.

This is just the opposite of what women want. Usually, all they want is to feel that you’ve heard them, regardless of whether your conversation comes to a specific resolution.

That’s not the only way we differ in conversational style. Just for your own edification, here are some other examples that reveal our competitive leanings when it comes to conversation.

Men issue commands; women make requests. For example, a man will say, “Close the door,” while a woman will ask, “Will you please close the door?” This gives men power and makes women seem subservient.

Believe it or not, men talk more than women. While women initiate conversations, men interrupt a lot more and thus gain control of the discussion.

In conversation, men like to give information, not get it. This, by the way, is why we don’t like to ask for directions.

Speaking Her Language

Unless you want every conversation to descend into a fight or heated debate, temper your world-conquering approach to conversation. Not only will doing this ease stress in mind and body but it can also make you closer to your partner. To become a conversational man, steal a few pages from your partner’s rule book. Follow these precepts and you should find yourself well on the way to becoming a guy who speaks her language. Here’s how.

Listen up. The most obvious advice is the hardest to follow, isn’t it? But it’s a fact that women usually just want you to listen more than they want your advice. How can you tell when she really wants your advice? She‘ll ask for it. Wait to hear if she says, “What do you think?” Until then, keep your mouth shut and your ears open.

Open up. “It takes real bravery to make yourself vulnerable”. “Men should look at attempts to be intimate as maverick acts of courage.” So don’t be afraid to make revealing statements about yourself. To a woman, that’s what conversation is all about.

Calm down. Men get very agitated in the face of disagreement. That agitation often propels us to higher levels of anxiety—which explains the rising heart rate and body temperature. So if you feel yourself getting hot under the collar, take five. Explain to your partner that you’re having trouble relaxing and that you need a few minutes to calm down so that you can communicate more effectively.

Don’t get angry if you’re sad. In conversation, as in life, men have been trained to think the best defense is a good offense. So when we’re feeling hurt or sad, rather than express those feelings in a conversation, we’ll often repress them and show anger instead. You don’t necessarily have to show your hurt feelings if you don’t want to, but if you’re going to mask those feelings, mask them in a neutral way instead of covering them up with an angry outburst.

Practice patience. We guys are often impatient with women’s conversational style.

“When will she get to the point?” we wonder, as our conversational radar scans for opportunities to offer advice, give information, or share one of our own experiences.

Instead, try this experiment”Turn off your male conversational radar, take slow, full breaths to relax, and just let yourself be with your woman in conversation. Draw her out. Listen to what she’s trying to say. Let her know you understand by paraphrasing what she says. Add whatever seems relevant, but keep the focus on her.”

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